


A Different Man

by DeathjunkE



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-17 14:58:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12368187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathjunkE/pseuds/DeathjunkE
Summary: R/S Games 2017 - Day 15 - Team SiriusI had made my peace years ago with the knowledge that my Sirius was never coming back to me.





	A Different Man

**Author's Note:**

> **Team:** Sirius  
>  **Title:** A Different Man  
>  **Rating:** R  
>  **Warnings:** some talk of canon character death, angst, kinky smut  
>  **Genre:** Angst, character reflection, non-linear timeline  
>  **Word Count:** 2100  
>  **Summary:** I had made my peace years ago with the knowledge that my Sirius was never coming back to me.  
>  **Notes:** So this was genuinely difficult for me to write. I’m terribly out of practice when it comes to writing now and I decided to approach this in a completely different way than I would have before.  
>  Hopefully I haven’t completely lost my touch and you lovely people out there enjoy this fic at least a little.  
>  **Prompt:** #38 - "And the wheel that broke as the cart went by.  
>  It is not a voice that is under the eaves.  
> It is not speech, the sound we hear  
> In this conversation, but the sound  
> Of things and their motion: the other man,  
> A turquoise monster moving round."  
> \- excerpt from the poem “Continual Conversations with a Silent Man” by Wallace Stevens

From early on I knew Sirius was wild. He played hard, let his emotions and impulses drive him and never gave a second thought beyond the now. He was wicked and wild eyed, everything was a challenge and warning would always mean nothing.

Warnings for Sirius Black, were open invitations. When someone said "don't" Sirius would and then give you snap shots. When someone said "can't" he did it twice. When someone said "be careful" Sirius struts in with his eyes closed and ears plugged.

Knowing all of this I still had to issue my warnings. "Sirius, think about this. We're still young. If you feel the same way about it in few years then we'll do it."

"But Moony, I don't want to wait a whole _day_ to have sex with you." He leaned forward and pressed his body flush against mine. I could feel everything, the definition of his muscles, the warmth of his skin and his cock pressed against my stomach. "If it means we'll always be together I want to do it even more."

The wolf was just below the surface; snapping and snarling at me to me seize this opportunity. It wanted me to build a pack, to embrace a companion for our runs under the moon. 

I smiled and lifted my hand to Sirius's face, "Sirius, this isn't something you can take lightly. Once you do this you're mine in every way. If you decide that I'm not what you want anymore, you can't leave. If you stray, then the wolf will demand I bring you back and teach you not to roam."

"I know what I want Remus." He smiled at me, charming as ever. 

(-)

I let him convince me with his pretty words, glorious smile and warm touches. I was convinced right to the back of green house three. He pressed against me, kissing me hard and then he shoved me backwards. I flopped back onto the burlap sacks of soil and let him sprawl over me.

I knew him well enough to wait. 

I waited until he was relaxed and confident that I wasn't going anywhere I rolled us over. He tried to get back on top but I wouldn't let him.

A lot of things are different because of the wolf. 

The physical is all they know. James, Sirius and Peter all know that I see perfectly in the dark, I smell everything at least six times stronger, and I am freakishly physically strong. 

I am truly part animal despite what the others think being a werewolf is more than being dangerous on full moons. I’m the wolf, and the wolf is me stripped of human morality and closer to the base instincts of a beast. The idea of family isn’t as strong of a draw as the reality of Pack. The concept of lover different from the certainty of a mate, chosen and bound for as long as there is breath in out bodies.

(-)

We were probably eighteen when reality struck.

There wasn’t much I could say to the idea that Sirius would leave to fight. Bravery, loyalty and spite were the things my Sirius wholeheartedly beloved in. He’d fight the Death Eaters, he’d fight Voldemort himself and he’d fight half of his family too. 

When the attacks of the fanatics escalated and the Ministry had declared war I made sure to kiss him every chance I got. I knew that every chance might just be my last chance.  
(-)

I was so strong that not even Sirius' admirable attempts to get on top and in control could dislodge me. If I wanted to be I was immoveable, I was in control.

Of course I’d be swayed by the mischief incarnate that was Sirius Black on most days. There is not a person on this earth who could call themselves impervious to his charms. Sirius was born blessed with a handsome face and more charisma and bullheadedness than did anyone good and yet it was for me.

(-)

"Sirius," I whispered once he stilled under me. "My Sirius, this is the way things are going to be if we go through with this. You sure you want this?"

"Mmn." He nodded and pushed his hips up against me. "Yeah moony. 'S wha' I wan'." He moaned looking straight into my eyes. I knew he was sincere. Sirius is a lot of things, but a liar is not one of them. 

I took his word for what it was worth and pressed my lips solidly against his. The kiss wasn’t sweet like our other ones or even playful, this time I kissed to claim. I bruised his mouth with my own. Fucking his mouth with my tongue and sucking his breath from his lungs. I pulled away when I knew he was feeling light headed and marked a trail down his throat to the collar of his shirt.

“Open it.” I pulled back enough so that Sirius could worm a hand between us to unbutton his shirt. When he was finished the band began to maneuver one of my buttons but I quickly put an end to that. “Put it over your head.” I grabbed hold of that pale thin wrist and pushed it over onto the grass above the sacks, forcing Sirius to stretch out. “Both of your hands should go over your head and they will stay there.”

I began my explorations. I lapped at his chest feeling a bit self-conscious with those deep grey eyes watching every move I made and taking in all of my imperfections. I licked, kissed and sucked on the left nipple and used a few fingers to pinch the other harshly. 

I admit I smirked around the little nub when he yowled and tried to push my fingers away.

“OW! Re-Remus!” Sirius yelped and tugged at my hand. 

“Hmm?” Nibble, nibble suck. Cruelly I just squeezed the little nub tighter.

“It hurts!” Sirius writhed and whined, rolling his hips up into mine, pouting as he huffed out an exasperated, “Ow!” 

I kissed his pouting pink lips. He scowled and wrapped one long fingered hand around my wrist, pulling at it while he wormed the other under my fingers to stop my mean little game.

“Move that hand.” 

“Remus!” His face I would always remember as a cross between outrage and arousal. The very idea that I should tell him, the heir to House of Black, what to do offending him more than a rat offended a dowager duchess.

“Move it.” Sirius insisted on tugging at my wrist, but I wouldn’t be moved. This was one of those times, I knew, when giving in would be a big mistake. The pressure of my fingers wouldn’t do damage to him, it would just make him uncomfortable an over sensitized.

Irritated and frustrated Sirius squirmed, no doubt testing my hold. Finally with a drawn out whine, Sirius lifted his arms back over his head stretched out for me.  
Regardless of how he pouted and squirmed he never said ‘Stop’ or ‘No’ I could feel his interest against my belly.

I smiled as a ruddy blush blossomed on his round cheeks neck. I took pleasure at watching the tears gather in his eyes. He wasn’t in pain, he wasn’t unwilling --he was just incredibly spoiled. 

It wasn’t news to me; I had always known that underneath all of his bravado and mischievous ways, Sirius was just a spoiled little boy. Not that he wasn’t sweet (and then only when he wanted to be), loyal, charming, kind and fifty other great qualities… It’s just that Sirius was so used to getting what he wanted the moment that he demands it that he never learned self discipline or restraint.  
I let go of the red nub between my fingers and wrapped my lips around it before sucking it hard. At the same time I let my free hand slip past the waistband of Sirius’ pants and lightly stroke the hidden flesh. Sirius’ jaw dropped open and he arched upwards against me. 

Those disobedient hands were clutching at my shoulders.

“Pads, you better move those hands. I swear I won’t touch you at all.”

“Fuck.” He whines petulantly and jerks his hands back over his head. “Remus. Don’t toy with me!”

“I told you I was calling the shots.” I ran my nails lightly over the smooth alabaster belly before me. Though my nails barely made contact they left goose flesh in their wake. “You want it to stop, let me know. I promise no hard feelings.”

“I don’t want you to stop! I want you to fuck me!”

“Alright then. I’ll fuck you.” I scooted up to be level with him. When we were face to face and eye-to-eye I kissed him lightly, only lips, and pulled away. “Sirius. I will fuck you. I will fuck you so hard and so well that you’ll remember nothing except my cock in you for days. I’ll fuck you, without a single doubt, I’ll fuck you. I’ll fuck you in my own sweet time at my own sweet pace.” 

“Evil!” my poor boy groaned as he thrashed his head from side to side.

I pressed my lips to the inside of his thigh pausing just for a moment. “And keep those hands up!”

(-)

“Mooney, you’re turning into such a Lithifold!” 

Sirius grumped as a wrapped my arms around his back, then around his own arms, pulling him towards me and tangling us together. I didn’t say anything but I felt him settle back into me and I had to his my smile in his thick dark hair.

Neither one of us was the type to admit to needing affection. I just take what I wanted in not very subtle ways, and my Sirius would rather die before he admitted to wanting to be close, to share our space so intimately. More often than not he would rather just turn into Padfoot and sprawl on top of me.

Affection without needing to bring out a clothes brush and pick dog hair off my trousers was always welcome.

(-)

My Sirius was warm and so very sweet.

To watch him get down on the floor with James’ pudgy baby was always a sight to behold. Every game, every mini adventure and giggle was a product of Sirius’ playful nature and amazing imagination. Watching Sirius and Harry play around laughing, squealing and chasing after each other was always heart breaking.

I remember, when I look at the way he throws his head back when he’s laughing or his easy smiles and silly grins, the shy pale doll-boy who sat across from me on the first day of Hogwarts. He was this small boy with a pale pointed face, perfect curls, large eyes and whisper of a voice. The Sirius of the first days of Hogwarts was overwhelmed by the amount of other children, unused to anything beyond his few cousins, little brother and the strict pureblood rule that was his life.

The words ‘Mother said’, or ‘Purebloods don’t’ were said more often than not until James finally got tired of it all got in his face and said, “Yeah, sure— but what do you think?”

After that it was like a switch had been flipped. Sirius’ gray eyes had widened and he stopped parroting what he’d heard and started to think for himself, to find his voice to learn to relate and play and grow alongside the rest of them.

(-)

I stand here besides Harry, the same pudgy baby of yesteryear gone just like my lover. Now he stands besides me, nearly a man and more grown up than James, Lily, Sirius or I ever got to, or needed to be. I stand by a mourning man on this day.

His eyes and face are wet with tears but sadly I can’t join him in his sorrow.

I’ve been in mourning for a long time. The day that I got the Floo call from Arabella, telling me that all of my friends were dead and my lover was a betrayer. The Sirius that I knew once upon a time, I had buried in my memory.

This echo of him in the barely sane man wasn’t anything that I could understand or connect with. 

But Harry did. 

Sirius’ favorite pudgy little beloved playmate, with gemstone green eyes and James’ face, had managed to find all the best parts of Sirius that I had thought long gone and loved him the way I couldn’t anymore.

I missed him, the wolf craved him— but I no longer knew him. When he fell through the Veil, it hurt. However, I had made my peace years ago with the knowledge that my Sirius was never coming back to me.


End file.
